You Don't Hardly Hear Anyone Saying This So Much Anymore

 

You Don't Hardly Hear Anyone Saying This So Much Anymore:

1) "Did anybody remember to bring a camera?"

2) "Excuse me, sir, can you give me the directions to ...?"

3)  "Why would I ever want or need cable TV?" 

4) "Hard to believe that the oldest Boomers are turning 60."

5) "Don't you just love those long CVS receipts with all the coupons?"  

6)  "What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?"

7) "Y2K is going to be a disaster!"

8) "What's a meme?"

9) "Why would I ever want or need premium cable TV?"

10) "That Liberty Mutual commercial with the emu is very funny."

11) "Want to go see the "The Beaver" with Mel Gibson?"

12) "Young people getting tattoos is a fad that'll blow over."

13) "... the girls in the office ..."

14) "Boy, seems like every other car in New York City is a taxicab."

15) "Y2K is going to be a big nothing."

16) "Why would I ever want or need streaming TV?"

17) "I never miss Bill Maher on Friday night."  

18) "How could Gayle King and Charles Barkley not have great chemistry together?"

19) Twitter will never be as big a deal as Facebook."

20) "Remember Y2K?"

These are just the ones that I thought of, but there are obviously many more. If you think of any, please let me know. 

It would be a mitzvah.

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To a Brave New World

   

There's no question about it: We're driving fast from a dream of the past to a Brave New World.  

We Baby Boomers have entered a Brave New World, a world with which most of us are more than a bit ill at ease.  Movies, TV, and certainly technology have advanced far beyond the land of black and white television, John F. Kennedy, and Doris Day & Rock Hudson, even though Rock was blazing trails back in the day of which we were then not the slightest bit aware.

So how am I faring in this brave new world, which has such people in it?

A  couple of thoughts on a couple of subjects:

Modern Celebrities

When we were young celebrities had clearly discernable names.  Names Like Frank Sinatra. Or, as I bend the knee, John, Paul, George, and Ringo.

Nowadays celebrities' names can be puzzling. The first time I heard the name "Kendrick Lamar," I thought it was an insurance company. I wondered if at Kendrick Lamar, they make you pay for more than what you need.

Then somebody mentioned  "The Weeknd," and I said "I hope you had a good time, the Hamptons?" And when I heard someone exclaim "Shaboozey!" I said "Gesundheit."  However, now that I've listened to some of Shaboozey's music  I've found I like it almost as much as I like saying:  

Shaboozey!

It took me longer than it should have to be able to distinguish Ryan Reynolds from Ryan Gosling.  That shouldn't have been so hard but it was in part fueled by my Baby Boomer proclivity towards temporarily blanking on the names of people and celebrities I actually know well.  Right now I can't even remember the names of the two celebrities I just mentioned. 

Then I come to the matter of "Walton Goggins," star of "The White Lotus" and other popular TV shows. Can you imagine a celebrity going by the name "Walton Goggins" back in the day?  Such an individual would have given his name a face lift to something like "Kirk Stirling" long before kicking off his acting career.

Actually I kind of like the name "Kirk Stirling." Is it too late for me to change my name to that?  Actually I kinda like Walton Goggins too.

My Advice on Names:  Watch the SNL Opening Monologue and at least one performance by the musical guest and pay careful attention to the names of the progenitors.  Then you can safely ignore the rest of the show, funny or as most likely, not. 

Modern Expressions

Yep, modern expressions sure have transcended the "far out" and "right on" from days of yore.  Here's my compendium, woefully incomplete, of those expressions I can say without looking sheepish and those I cannot:

"I'm down with that." One might think this was a negative as in "I'm voting thumbs down on that," but in actuality it means "I'm voting thumbs up." It may seem a little counterintuitive, but I  am fully down with saying "down with that." 

"Oh Snap." I think "oh snap" is the Gen Z version of "oh wow,"  but "oh wow" is still perfectly good, so it was a snap for me to decide not to say "oh snap!"

"Merch" - a shortened form of "merchandise" now so firmly entrenched in the language I can readily toss it out as I purchase Phillies cap, jersey, and other merch. But has all this merch ever helped the Phils win?  No, not "merch."   

"Rizz" - meaning "charisma" is too cute for words and too cute for me and most other Boomers.  You either got or you haven't got "rizz" but if you're fortunate enough to got it, I'd flaunt it, fellow Boomers, charismatically speaking.  

"It's lit" - the first time I heard this I thought "I didn't realize it was Hannukah."  But if it isn't Hannukah, then I thought "for God's sake, call the fire department!"  But it actually means that something is really, really good, but frankly if it isn't Hannukah and nothing's on fire, it's not an expression I feel really, really good about using. 

"Dope" - it meant pot to us, but now it's used to describe something that's very cool.  But if you think smoking dope is still very cool then you're probably not cool enough to use the expression "dope" to mean very cool. So I'd stick with the original usage, whether or not you want to light up or leave me alone.

"Shredding it" - I thought this had to do with making salad, but it actually means being really good at something. I'll have to give it some thought before deciding if I can be shredding it at saying "shredding it."

"Fetch" - Apparently originating from the movie "Mean Girls" it means "awesome." But with all due respects to Tina Fey, if you go fetch a pail of water and come back saying "fetch" for "awesome," I'm going to go fetch one myself and not come back. Awesome!        

My Advice on Expressions:  Feel free to say whatever you're comfortable with. But I'd do my best to avoid saying "Boujee."

Modern Commercials

Nah, I'm done for now.

So, keep driving fast from your dreams of the past, fellow Boomers.  

See you in the Brave New World.

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“The Sauce That Saved the World”

(Totally written by AI. Or maybe A.1.)

In a quiet suburb of Omaha, Nebraska, lived a man named Carl Withers—average height, average job, slightly above-average love for steak. But what made Carl truly unique wasn't his grilling skills or his ever-growing apron collection. It was his obsession with A.1. Steak Sauce.

Carl didn’t just use A.1.—he worshiped it. He poured it on everything. Steak, sure, but also eggs, pizza, mashed potatoes, even cereal once (which, he admitted, was “a mistake, but an educational one”). His pantry was a shrine of bottles, some dating back decades. His license plate read “A1MEUP.”

One Saturday afternoon, while organizing his sacred stash, Carl noticed one bottle was glowing. A soft, bluish hue pulsed from its glassy surface like a beacon. Thinking it was just a side effect of drinking expired soda, he blinked—but it kept glowing.

He cautiously twisted the cap.

A vortex of swirling wind exploded from the bottle, hurling his apron across the kitchen. Out of the vortex stepped a woman in futuristic armor, holding a sizzling steak on a plate. Behind her, a swirling portal revealed a dystopian world—burnt skies, ruined buildings, people grilling tofu on broken car engines.

"I’m Agent Sizzle from the Sauce Division, year 2347," she said, setting the steak down. "We need your help. In our time, flavor has vanished. All condiments have been outlawed. A1 is the last remaining hope. We’ve tracked the original recipe to your bottle."

Carl, who was mid-bite of a microwaved chicken wing drenched in A.1., blinked. "Wait, you're saying I'm the chosen one?"

Agent Sizzle nodded gravely. "Only you can bring flavor back."

Without hesitation (and after grabbing five backup bottles), Carl stepped through the portal.

---

Six Months Later

The year 2347 was transformed. Thanks to Carl's heroic condiment consulting and generous sharing of his A.1. reserves, people remembered how to taste again. Restaurants re-opened. Grills were restored. Steaks sizzled on every corner.

And Carl?

He was knighted by the Sauce Council and given the honorary title: Sir Umami, Keeper of the Zing.

Back home, a statue of him stood in front of his favorite diner, holding a steak aloft, a bottle of A.1. in the other hand, with a plaque that read:

“To Carl Withers: He brought back the bite.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

(I had asked AI (Chat GPT) to write a story about A.1. Steak Sauce since Department of Education Secretary Linda McMahon doesn't know the difference between AI and A.1.)

If People Begged for Food like Dogs Do

 

Why a picture from SNL?  Because a few weeks ago SNL ran a similar sketch to the one below.  Only difference is I wrote this sketch several years ago but never did anything with it, when the SNL recent sketch brought it to mind.  Oh well .... 

Characters:

Attorney Hochberg

Attorney Wallace

Mr. Phillips

Voice of Receptionist

Voice of Mr. Brackish

 

A lawyer's office somewhere in the heart of New York City. Two lawyers are sitting around a table in a conference room, numerous papers on the table in front of them.

Mr. Hochberg

I'm so pleased at how swimmingly our negotiations have progressed on the 35-million-dollar merger between our two companies, Amanda. All the areas of merger are fleshed out and agreed upon except the valuation of the Little Rock plant.

Ms. Wallace

So true, Jack, it's been a pleasure working with you. We've hammered out the tax, human resources, and environmental responsibilities in near record time. As soon as the real property appraiser Mr. Phillips gets here, we can nail down our Little Rock issue and we're done.

Mr. Hochberg

Good enough. And we're also waiting for a call from our CEO Mr. Brackish to confirm our understandings and we can button the whole thing up.

Ms. Wallace opens a small package of crackers and puts one in her mouth. Mr. Hochberg's eyes light up. He falls to his knees and walks on his hands and knees over to where Attorney Wallace is sitting.

Mr. Hochberg

Ooooohhhh! May I have some? May I have some crackers, Attorney Wallace?

Ms. Wallace

No, Attorney Hochberg, these are my crackers! They're not for you.

Mr. Hochberg

But I want some! They look so yummy! I haven't eaten since I begged some of the Receptionist's Oreo Cookies ten minutes ago on my way in here!

Ms. Wallace

But these are not Attorney Hochberg's crackers, they're Attorney Wallace’s crackers!

Mr. Hochberg

(whining) Oh, all right. Could have some later, puh-lese?

Ms. Wallace

No! Now go back to your seat.

Mr. Hochberg returns to his seat on his hands and knees, sits in his chair, and regains his composure.

Mr. Hochberg

Now, I don’t think our meeting with the appraiser will take long. He comes highly recommended so I doubt we’ll have many questions about his appraisal.

Ms. Wallace

I agree. Our firm has used him many times before and I’ve always heard his work was right on the money.

Receptionist (over the intercom)

Mr. Hochberg, Ms. Wallace, Mr. Phillips the Appraiser is here.

Mr. Hochberg

Ask him to come in, please.

Mr. Phillips enters.

Ms. Wallace

Welcome, Mr. Phillips. I'm Attorney Wallace and this is Attorney Hochberg.

Mr. Phillips enters and shakes hands with both of them.

Mr. Phillips

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Hochberg.

Mr. Hochberg

Same here, Mr. Phillips,

Mr. Phillips

Ms. Wallace.

Ms. Wallace

Nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Mr. Phillips goes to his seat and produces a bagel from his briefcase.

Mr. Phillips

I hope you two don't mind. I was hungry so I bought myself a bagel (begins eating)

Mr. Hochberg and Ms. Wallace both perk up, get on their hands and knees and walk over to Mr. Phillips.

Ms. Wallace

Please, Mr. Phillips, I love bagels! May I have some? I'm so hungry!

Mr. Hochberg

And me too, Mr. Phillips. I want a bagel! Please, please, please! Just a bite, one bite, one little bite!

Mr. Phillips

No, Attorney Wallace! I said no, Attorney Hochberg. This is my bagel, not yours. This is Appraiser food, not Attorney food!

Ms. Wallace

I promise I'll get our firm to hire you again, many more times!

Mr. Hochberg

And I’ll roll over and play dead!

Mr. Phillips

I said no! You two have to learn not to beg at the conference table!

Mr. Hochberg & Ms. Wallace

Oh, all right.

Both return on their hands and knees to their seats.

Ms. Wallace

Now, Mr. Phillips, to the matter of the appraisal of the Little Rock building, equipment, inventory, and real property.

Mr. Phillips

Yes, I've been to Little Rock and carefully ...

Receptionist

Mr. Brackish is on the phone.

Mr. Hochberg

Put him on the speaker please.

Mr. Brackish

Good morning, Amanda and Jack! Is Mr. Phillips with you too?

Mr. Wallace

Hello, Mr. Brackish. Yes, he’s here and we're proud to say the deal is almost all set except for the signing.

Mr. Brackish

Wonderful! As a celebration, I'm taking all three of you to lunch this afternoon.

Mr. Hochberg and Mr. Phillips perk up.

Mr. Hochberg

Where did you have in mind, sir?

Mr. Brackish

How would you three like the thickest juiciest steak in town at Morton's?

Mr. Hochberg and Mr. Phillips fall to their hands and knees and race for the door.

Mr. Hochberg

Me, me, me, me! Can't wait to have steak!

Mr. Phillips

Big steak, juicy steak, medium rare, gotta have it!

Ms. Wallace

Know what, guys? I think I just evolved. I'm going to skip lunch and get this deal done.

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