Your Primo Primer for Product Labeling

Poor guy!  He needs our Primo Primer for Product Labeling below.

Going to the store?  Confused by product labeling? 

You needn't be.  Here's everything you need to know translated into plain English for you and me:

• Made under the Strict Supervision of the Union of Orthodox Rabbis 

• Made under the Blase Supervision of the Union of Extremely Lax Rabbis 

• Made under the Strict Supervision of the Union of Rabbis So Orthodox They Are Judging You Right Now

• No Sugar Added

• Some Sugar Added Because Without It This Would Taste Pretty Much Like Stale Cardboard 

•  A Sugar Cane in Every Bite

• A Taste The Whole Family Will Love, But Not Your Family

• A Taste of Italy!

• A Taste of France!

• A Taste of the Next Random Country Eva Longoria Will Pretend to Know Something About!

 

• Orange Juice, No Pulp

• Orange Juice, Some Pulp

• Orange Juice,  Lotsa Pulp 

• Just Eat an Orange, Asshole

• Best if Used Before June 15 

• Bleh if Used On or About June 15  

• BLAAAHHH! If Used After June 15 

• Not a Low Calorie Product

• Not a Low Calorie Product, So Sit-Ups?   

• Not a Low Calorie Product, So Ozempic? 

• Picture of  Cereal Enlarged for Clarity

• Picture of Cereal Enlarged for Clarity And Also Air Brushed to Look More  Appetizing

• Picture of Cereal Enlarged for Clarity So Please Ignore Now Clearly Visible Insects

• Keep Out of Reach of Children 

• Keep Out of Reach of Children and Adults  

• Keep Out of Reach of Children, Adults, Jews, Gentiles, Dogs, Cats, Mormons, Rosicrucians, Seventh Day Adventists, and Anyone and Everyone All At Once. Except Republicans. 

 

• Now: New and Improved!

• Now: Even More NEW AND IMPROVED!

• Now: WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT KIND OF CRAP WERE WE TRYING TO HAND YOU ALL ALONG?

• Olive Oil, Virgin

• Olive Oil, Extra Virgin

• Olive Oil, Story of Perry's Life

• Plastic Bags (unopenable)

• Plastic Bags, (fully unopenable)

• Plastic Bags, (hand us five bucks, we'll open one for you)

• This is not the face a guy makes when opening a box of Ritz Crackers.  This is the face a guy makes when Scarlett Johansson knocks at his front door and announces "I've just left Colin Jost and I WANT YOU NOW!" 

• But you and me, we gonna hafta settle for the box of crackers.

•      From Our Growers Direct to Your Table. So Was it Asking Too Much that Someone Somewhere Along the Way Would Have Rinsed Them Off?

• A Full Day's Supply of Vitamin C

• A  Full Day and a Half's Supply of Vitamin C

• Enough Vitamin C to Cover You and All Your Progeny

• Product of Guatemala

• Product of Honduras

• Sorry, all products from Guatemala and Honduras Have Been Deported by Trump

• Shake Vigorously Before Using, 

• Shake Vigorously Before Using, We Mean the Product, Not You

• Shake Vigorously, the Product and You If You Feel Like Twerking

• Trusted Since 1947

• Trusted Between 1947 to 1963

• Trusted for a Couple of Months During the Bush Administration

• No High Fructose Corn Syrup

• Some High Fructose Corn Syrup

• Just call us Freddy Fructose!

• No Artificial Flavors or Coloring

• No Artificial Flavors, Coloring, Hair, or Teeth

• As Artificial as Kristi Noem's Face

• Specially Formulated for Folks 50 +, Like You

• Specially Formulated for Folks 50 +, Like you: Yeah, We Mean You!

• Specially Formulated for Folks 50 +  Like You: Yeah We Mean You, Who Are You Kidding, You Look Every Day of It!

• Clinically Proven

• Clinically Proven, But At What Clinic You May Ask

• Clinically Proven, But By Research Scientists Personally Selected by RFK Jr. 

•   To Learn More, Visit Us at http://www.Shmendrick.com 

•   To Learn More, Visit Us at http://www.Shmendrick.com, But Don't Bother, It's All Lies Anyway 


• To Learn More, Visit Us at http://www.Shmendrick.com. But Like You Actually Give a Shit!

  

And so on and so on!

Maybe next time we'll tell you what all these labels really mean.

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Rabbi Debbie King Explains Her Whole New Branch of Judaism, "Hello, Yahweh," and Why It May Be For You

 

Rabbi Debbie King is perhaps the last person you'd expect to devise a whole new branch of Judaism. 

She's the first rabbi ever to provide multiple choice answers to the Four Questions, which she thereupon grades on the curve with even two correct answers deemed sufficient to pass. 

Nevertheless her new branch of Judaism, "Hello, Yahweh" has elicited a large amount of interest among liberal American Jews but not so much among the AIPAC crowd, which is otherwise too busy subverting the basic tenets of Judaism to pay it much mind.

I had the privilege of recently interviewing Rabbi King in a desperate attempt to class up the "Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute" blog which for over 15 years has  provided mostly schlock humor to an audience of practically no one.

"It is my firm belief that God doesn't want us to always be kissing his ass," said Rabbi Debbie. "Actually what he wants is for us to give it a good swift kick." 

"So we don't get into praising God unless we feel he truly deserves it," she said.  "And his recent performance considering the re-emergence of Trump, the general state of world affairs, and those Liberty Mutual commercials with the emu is hardly praiseworthy."

"Quite frankly, we treat the Supreme Ruler of the Universe like Jerry Seinfeld treated Newman until he further earns our respect."

I asked Rabbi Debbie to briefly describe how "Hello Yahweh" services are conducted.

"We begin each service with a special greeting for the divinity,"  explained the Rabbi. "The Congregation in unison chants: 

"Hello, Yahweh," 

just like Jerry Seinfeld says to Newman. And  God responds: 

"Hello, Jewry!" 

"He doesn't actually say this," quickly added the Rabbi, "or we'd all get a shrek! It's just in the liturgy. The point is we're holding Hashem accountable; when he acts like a schlub, we treat him like Newman. If he does better, more like George and so forth."

"I notice you use the pronoun he," I asked Rabbi Debbie. "Does God have a gender?"

"Of course not," she replied. "We just use he as a convenience. God  is as gender fluid as comedian Eddie Izzard, but without the garish fingernail polish." 

And what if there is no God?

"Obviously a distinct possibility," she answered, "as the universe has been here for over 15 billion years and Judaism for only about 4,000.  But maybe, just maybe, he likes to sleep late."

"But so what? We've brought Jews and other friends and allies together to discuss the state of the country and the world - and our own lives - and how we all can strive to do better with whatever we do. Even if there's nobody steering the ship but us."

Can't argue with that.

And then Rabbi Debbie recited the call to prayer, which is at the center of "Hello, Yahweh," the newest branch of Judaism. 

"Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One Tough Son of a Bitch!" 

Can't argue with that either.

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Twenty Inspirational Quotes that I, a Very Negative Person, Send Crashing Back to Earth

 

I dunno about that, Viola. I keep moving towards my dreams but my dreams keep backing up like they're being clobbered in tug-of-war! 

Okay, let's go with some more: 

1) If you give a man a fish you have fed him for one day

    But if you teach a man to fish, you are probably not Jewish.

2) Let a smile be your umbrella.

   But expect to get soaking wet.

3) Some people see the glass half empty, some people see the glass half full.

    What glass?

4) Put your "Best Foot Forward."

   But there's no discernable difference between my two feet. If I were going to put    my "best foot forward" I'd have to live on a planet in which people have three feet.

5) Live Your Best Life. 

  Well, this isn't exactly my best life, but it's certainly in the Top Ten. 

6) Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. 

  I missed, but I wound up in Cleveland. 

7) He who hesitates is lost. 

That must be true since I am even hesitating to ask the nearest yak where on the planet I am.  

8) You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.  

 Thank goodness that only applies to hockey and not real life.

9) What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.  

 Whatever it is, if it makes me stronger, I still prefer it to exercising.

10) A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night   and in between does what he wants to do.

 Well, I've got the getting up in the morning and going to bed at night down pat.

11) To sleep, perchance to dream. 

 To stay up, perchance to snack.

12) Do something today that your future self will thank you for.

 Okay, my future self really likes being drunk.

13) To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

 Aw gee, I just broke up with me last week. 

14) Love the life you live.

 Love the life I live? I'm not even on a first name basis with it.

15) Failure is a great teacher. 

 Failure can't be that great a teacher because I still suck at math.

16) If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.

  Then quit.

17) The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

  And spiders.

18) Do one thing every day that scares you.

  Does getting out of bed count?

19) It is never too late to be what you might have been.

  I think it might be a little too late to be Scarlett Johansson's husband.

 20) What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.  (Redux)

  If that's true, what doesn't kill me needs to try harder.

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Here's three bonus quotes that have nothing to do with inspiration:

Two's company, three's a crowd.  

 Nah, it's actually a three-some, which I never got to have, goddamn it!

Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? 

  I dunno, somehow I never bought the cow or got much milk for free.  

Aye, there's the rub! 

  Not only did I never get enough milk, I never got enough rubbing either! 

Everybody Should Come with a User's Manual

 

What if a User's Manual existed for every person you meet or interact with in the course of your lifetime?

By that I mean a collection of the peculiarities, proclivities, and all other things useful to know about an individual so as to enable you to act in the most optimal, prudent, and thoughtful ways possible when life confronts you with them.

For some people the User's Manual might be a slim volume. For other people, like me, it's the size of the Torah.  F'instance ....

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The User's Manual to Your New Dentist,  Dr. Mel Grossman, DDS

WELCOME!  You have just become a new patient of Dr. Mel Grossman, DDS. You have displayed excellent judgment in selecting Dr. Grossman as your dentist as he has been twice selected as one of the Top Dentists in Delaware Valley although his nephew Gary being on the selection committee may have something to do with that.

Safety Instructions: Please carefully read these instructions before using Dr. Grossman.

1) Never get up to go to the bathroom while Dr. Grossman is drilling your teeth.

2) Never casually ask Dr. Grossman how his daughter Claudine is doing as she lives in a survivalist compound in North Dakota and Dr. Grossman and Claudine are now fully estranged.

3) Never, ever, EVER inform Dr. Grossman that you do not floss because if you think Dr. Grossman goes banana apeshit at the mere mention of his estranged daughter, demonstrate disrespect toward flossing and you ain't seen nothing yet!

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Okay, do you get the drift now of a User's Manual?   BTW you should see my User's Manual:  It says that "Perry Block comes fully equipped with the less than desirable 'Whining Response' feature which you must be careful not to activate by even the most casual mention of Perry's love life or sex life or lack thereof." 

All right, here's a User's Manual which I hope I will some day acquire. 

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The User's Manual to Danielle Rogers, the Nice Fifty-two Year Old Woman You Just Met 

CONGRATULATIONS! You have just met an attractive woman who by a remote stretch of the imagination is age-appropriate for you. And she is Jewish to boot!  Your attraction to her reflects your good taste in the opposite sex if not your firm grasp of the possible.

Carefully read this manual and adhere to its guidance.  Please be advised that this is only a summary of the complete manual which is available at www.danielle.com. 

Good luck. You will need it.

Safety Instructions

Danielle is an activist who cares deeply about climate change and LGBTQ  rights. Do not ever indicate to her that you find any Republican any less than abhorrent or you will receive a sharply worded and manifestly negative response and the door may well hit you in the ass.

(BTW, the writers of this manual feel that same way and if you do harbor any positive thoughts about Republicans, you can go fuck yourself.)

Operational Guidelines  

Danielle enjoys meeting for coffee, going to the movies and theater, and stimulating conversations about books and ideas. It would not be prudent to mention to her that you love the Stooges and that your idea of great art is those paintings of dogs playing poker. 

Danielle is looking for a man with a good sense of humor but that does not extend to so-called "Dad Jokes" or any joke of any kind or nature whatsoever that you read on Facebook and sheepishly try to pass off as your own.  

Danielle is devoted to her three-year-old Border Collie rescue Bruno and will appreciate a man who shows attention to Bruno with frequent "What a good boy you are, Bruno!" exclamations. Remember never to look askance at Danielle for keeping apparent "dog food" in her refrigerator because it's not actually dog food, it's "Fresh Pet," or the door will positively hit you in the ass!

Installation 

Forget it.

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There is more to this manual but that's enough or I would be pushing the bit way too far. Perhaps I have already.

As I said, everybody ought to come with a User's Manual. How about you? Do you have one yet?

Here, I'll help you write it.

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