"Morning, Warden Mordant. How are you?"
"Lousy, Claire! I can't believe Alligator Alcatraz is closing and I'm out of my brutal, sadistic job. Are there any messages?"
"No, but there's two very strange looking people in your office. One has an artificial plastic looking face and the other is a glowering old man!"
Well, I'll just open the door and see ... OMG, it's the Joker and the Penguin!
"No, no, Warden Mordant, I'm Kristi Noem and this is Tom Homan!"
"Well, sorry, you two, but that's a natural mistake."
"We're here, Warden Mordant, because President Donald Trump,❤️ Blessed Be He❤️, has authorized us to auction off all the equipment and fixtures in this place to recoup the $238,000,000 expenses we've incurred."
"Yep, there's a hell of a lot of expenses to recoup!"
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The Auction
Noem: Good morning, everyone!
Auction Bidders: OMG, it's the Joker and the Penguin!
Noem: No, no, folks! It's Kristi Noem and Tom Homan.
Auction Bidders: Well, sorry you two, but that's a natural mistake.
Noem: The first item going up for bids, folks, is the fencing and razor wire all around this place. Perfect for rounding up your dogs and cats so you can ....
Homan: Okay, moving right along! Start the bidding at $250,000. Going once ... going twice ... not a single bid!
Noem: All right, maybe President Donald Trump, ❤️Blessed Be He❤️, can use this fencing for his border wall.
Homan: And Mexico will pay us for it?
Noem: Boy are you gullible! And I thought I was unqualified!
Homan: The next item is medical equipment from the Alligator Alcatraz Infirmary including a stethoscope, thermometer, and blood pressure monitor.
Noem: Of course this is all dummy equipment made to create the laughable illusion that we care enough about these criminal inmates to actually have an infirmary.
Homan: Ha, ha, ha! It's perfect for a Child's Play Doctor Kit. Start the bidding at $50,000.
Noem: Going once ... going twice ....
Auction Participant: I'll take it for five dollars.
Homan: SOLD! So you have a young child who likes to play doctor?
Auction Participant: Nah, I'm a doctor with Medicaid patients. Given projected patient outcomes, doesn't matter whether these things work or not.
Warden Mordant: Guys, this isn't working! You're never gonna raise the $238,000,000 that President Donald Trump, ❤️Blessed Be He❤️, has authorized you to raise this way.
Homan; You're right, Warden Mordant. But what can we do?
Warden Mordant: Isn't it obvious? There's only one way for you two to score big money fast!
Noem: Are you ready, Penguin?
Homan: More than ready, Joker!
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