No one knew why. Perhaps it was some bizarre inter-galactic event.
Or maybe it had something to do with the Deity espying the revolting nuptials of Jeff Bezos and Whatever the Hell Her Name Is and reacting with violent cosmic rage and vengefulness upon the entire planet.
Or perhaps it was the scheduling at Bryn Mawr Film Institute of a Ben Affleck Film Festival.
Whatever it was, one morning in late June there was no longer any coffee anywhere in the entire world.
It was The Day the Coffee Stood Still.
I woke up that day just as I normally do in the years of my retirement.
"Okay, it's 6:10 AM," I thought. Either (1) Get up now and have a productive day, or (2) Go back to sleep and waste half the morning.
At 11: 27 I got out of bed and tumbled down the stairs to the kitchen.
Oddly enough there didn't seem to be any coffee in the cupboard. And none in the pantry either since I don't live in England and don't have any idea why I just used the word "cupboard."
"Yesterday there was a 12 ounce bag of Cafe Verona here," I thought. Where was it now? Had it literally gone to Verona?
Just then I got a call from my friend Farbman.
"Perry," he screamed, "There's no coffee here in our office or anywhere! Today I don't even care that nobody has washed the office coffee pot since 2017, I've been reduced to drinking tea and since I don't live in England, I hate that accursed bagged leafy stuff!"
I switched on CNN.
"There appears to be no coffee remaining on Earth and Trump says it is all Biden's fault," Wolf Blitzer was saying in as animated a manner of which he is capable ever since they bumped him to mornings and paired him with the eminently more picturesque Pamela Brown.
I left the house to hopefully scare up some badly needed java.
Out on the street many folks, haggard and disheveled, were wandering everywhere about. A few stumbled up to me:
"Buddy, help me! I got a kilo of great coke if you can get me some joe!"
"Dude, I will perform any bizarre contortionist sex act you want for even a droplet of coffee! And from the looks of you, you need that bizarre contortionist sex act even more than I need coffee."
"Please deport me, I beg you, sir! Maybe there's coffee in El Salvador."
Now I too was feeling desperate! To Starbucks in search of some precious percolated beans!
"Should I leave space for milk or cream in your thin air?" said a hapless barista to a hapless patron.
"Here, just take any of our dry vastly overpriced pastries!" cried another. "Take them all!!!"
"You ... um ...have a great day!" offered another barista to a departing customer, apparently her normal farewell to store patrons. "No, I'm sorry, please don't strangle me for having said that!"
Jittery as hell now for lack of hot liquid essence, I ran to Whole Foods hoping the Deity had not reacted with violent cosmic rage and vengefulness upon the touchy-feely foodery after espying the revolting nuptials between Jeff Bezos and Whatever the Hell Her Name Is.
The place was wringed with an angry mob facing off against the National Guard, and a massive contingent of Marines.
"Is Trump sending ICE agents here?" I asked a burly guy nearby .
"Nah, those fuckers are guarding the tea!" he cried out. "We all despise tea because we don't live in England but what ya gonna do? We're storming the damn place to liberate every last teabag of Sleepy Time and Orange Pekoe!" And he barreled forward along with the entire angry throng.
"I guess in this case," I thought, "Pete Hegseth had done the right thing."
Fairly well jumping out of my skin now I staggered home and leaped into bed hoping to erase the many horrors of the day. Fortunately I quickly fell into my first wet dream in many years in which I was performing a bizarre contortionist sex act with a sack of Mrs. Folgers' Finest.
The next day, as mysteriously as it had vanished, coffee returned.
There was a collective audible sigh of relief that could be heard in deep space. And there it was, the 12 ounce bag of Cafe Verona back from Verona and restored to my pantry.
Or cupboard, if you please.
But who cares what you or I might call it?
The Day the Coffee Stood Still had ended.
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