Federal Troops Come to Havertown PA

 

I was a little surprised when I first heard what Trump was up to several weeks ago.

"I'm sending the National Guard and Federal Troops to Havertown Pennsylvania," he pronounced during a state visit with the Sultan of Brunei. "It is a Democrat run municipality - that is part of a county that is part of a township - that is out of control with crime and nobody feels safe to leave their homes to go to the local Wawa to get themselves a hoagie, not even Jason Kelce!"

I had to agree. There'd been a run of jaywalking incidents of late, some doggy poop not completely scooped up so residents had to step around it, and true, I hadn't seen Jason Kelce - Havertown's most celebrated resident - at Wawa of late. (Not that I've ever seen Jason Kelce except on television.)

Last week, there came a knock at the door.

"Mr. Block, open up, it's General Kropotkin!"

OMG, was the Department of War coming down on me? What had I done?

"Come in, General," I sputtered,  "what can I do for you?"

"We need your help, Mr. Block.  Can we count on you to let us know if you spot anything suspicious?"

"Of course you can, General!  My middle initial is "S" for Snitch."

The next day a battalion of over 1,000 armed troops, locked and loaded, fanned out across Havertown, many hundreds splayed out between the YMCA, the breakfast nook, and the florist. True to my pledge, I informed General Kropotkin that one of my neighbors was putting out his garbage and recycling by the curb before, not after, the municipality's allowable time of 3 PM, and looking quite self-satisfied and smug about it at the time .

I had made good my pledge.

 

 After a week, there was another knock at the door

"We're leaving now, Mr. Block, we discovered that Jason Kelce hasn't been to Wawa not because of rampant crime but because he's been busy getting fitted with a tuxedo for his brother's wedding."

"So that's why I haven't seen him at Wava"

"Thanks for your service, Mr. Block."

"Thank you for YOUR service, General!"

"You're welcome.  Oh, I picked up your newspaper, here it is."

"Thank you."  

"BTW, I'm glad you read the Inquirer."

"Why's that?" 

"Because it's relentlessly liberal! If more people read it, we could get that bastard Trump out of office so I could get back to doing what I was trained for!"

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