A Frank and Candid Conversation with Bruno on The One Day in the Year in Which Dogs Can Speak

Let's exercise our suspension of disbelief and now, once a year, dogs can talk.

And this is that once a year.

Bruno ... Bruno, is this the day?

                   You betcha.  All day long.

Funny, I thought you'd have a deeper voice.

                    You were expecting maybe James Earl Jones? 

 

No, it's fine. I've so many questions to ask you.

                   Okay, Shoot!  (Which is something I would never say to Kristi Noem!) 

Why is it that you and most dogs seem to like people more than you like other dogs?

                   Look: you feed me, you pat me, you keep me warm.                                                      What the hell has Harper down the street ever done for me?

Why do you like chasing a ball?

                  Because it hearkens back to our hunting instinct. And it's good exercise.                    You know you could get your ass out of a chair once in a while too!

Who's going to throw a ball to me?

                 OMG!  With that attitude no wonder you have the "I've Fallen and I Can't                    Get Up Company" on speed dial!

Why do you sniff the butts of other dogs?

                  It's our way of getting to know each other. You human beings meet for                      coffee to see if you're compatible. We sniff butt. 

BTW, some of us hope that meeting for coffee will lead to butt sniffing too.

                 I wasn't going to say that but yep, that's one thing we've got over you                         guys. We skip the coffee and go right to the butt sniffing.

What do you learn about a fellow dog by sniffing butt?

                So much! breed, gender, age, preferences: chasing a                                                   ball vs. chasing a stick, smelling pee vs. smelling poop, Ginger vs.                             Mary Ann, pronouns ...

 Ginger or MaryAnn?! Dogs care about that?

            Everybody cares about Ginger or MaryAnn.

Why do you pee in certain spots.  Are you marking off territory?

         

           Why do you pee in certain spots? Are you marking off territory in your toilet? 

 What kind of food do you prefer - kibble, canned dog foods, or the Fresh Pet, Farmer's Dog variety.

      

          Quite frankly, they're all about the same.

Really? You don't prefer anything?

        Yeah, the food you guys eat.  Whenever we get table scraps, all of us think the          same thing "You have this kind of food and you feed us that swill?'

Are you a Democrat?

        Of course. I may be a dog, but I'm not crazy. 

Do you mind being tethered to me while we're walking?

        Of course I do. Does anybody really think I'm gonna run off after a squirrel?             You're more likely to run off after a 55-year-old woman!

Tell me this: Do you ever feel bad that you didn't get to be a person?

         Yeah, sometimes. I might have been a doctor. Or a lawyer.

I bet you'd have been a good one.

          Yeah, especially compared to you!

Touché, Bruno! Okay, last one: are you Jewish?

          Yes, of course. That's how you guys raised me.  I dig the traditions and the                 values.

What's your favorite Jewish holiday

            Any one where's there's brisket and I get scraps!

I might have known.  Is there anything you want to ask me?

           Yep, one thing.

Shoot!  (Ooops!  Sorry.)  And it is:

          What the hell did you let them do to my balls?!

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I still hate posting pictures of myself, but I couldn't let Bruno down.