How Thomas Jefferson Used ChatGPT to Write the Declaration of Independence

Scene: A small dark room in Philadelphia

where Thomas Jefferson is laboring late into the night

    Jefferson

Just terrific!  The Continental Congress wants the Declaration of Independence by tomorrow, July 4, 1776,  and I can't even get started!

Phone rings.

                                         Jefferson  

Crap, bet that's Washington!  Ol' Wooden Teeth is such a noodge! 

                                         Washington

Thomas, got that Declaration all wrapped up yet?  Need it by tomorrow, guy.

       

                                          Jefferson

Oh, yes, I had it all finished, sir, but I had a little problem.

Washington

What was that?   

     Jefferson

My dog.

                                          Washington

Your dog what? 

                                             Jefferson

My dog ate my Declaration!

                                            Washington

That's a new one.

                                           Jefferson

Oh, I know, but I've a feeling it might catch on.

                                         Washington

C'mon, Thomas, you've got to be more reliable. Just like our top general, Benedict Arnold.

Jefferson

You're right, sir. He never lets us  down.

Washington

Tomorrow, Thomas, gotta be tomorrow.

Jefferson

Just great!  Just great! If only I could get a powerful opening statement, I'd be okay from there. Didn't want to do this, but going to try ChatGPT!

Thomas opens his laptop.

                                              Chat

Thomas,  glad to see you. More haiku today? 

  Jefferson

No, not today, Chat. I really need your help with something of an urgent nature!  I need an opening statement for a Declaration of Independence to set forth the rights and privileges of citizens of our new nation.  

Chat

I'm on it, Chief. Okay, got it, here we go ... (ahem)  

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all white guys who own land and wear powdered wigs are created equal, and are endowed by their Creator and his only begotten Son Jesus with certain inalienable rights that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of women."

 

Jefferson

Oka-ayyy ... moving right along.

Chat

What's wrong, Thomas?

Jefferson

I'm beginning to see why they say you have limitations.

Chat

Whaddya talking about?!! I drew from all existing  data bases throughout the world to succinctly state the most advanced concepts of human rights from the beginning of time to  ... well, right up to today, July 3, 1776.  

Jefferson

Yes, but as of tomorrow, July 4, 1776, we're aspiring to something a bit more progressive.

Chat

Dude, I am so down with that! Let's make it: 

 

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all people of all race, religions, and nationalities including men,women, and non-binary persons, straight, gay, queer or otherwise are created equal." 

                                      Jefferson

Umm, Chat? ... let's not get carried away. I said July 4, 1776. Not July 4, 2023.

Chat

What then?

Jefferson

"All men are created equal.  Umm, except for the ones that don't look like me."

Chat

Okay. And women too?

Jefferson

Not now. Maybe later. And don't print that part "except for the ones that don't look like me" because that's implied. 

Chat

Got it, Chief!  But I know you gotta love this part about "endowed by their Creator and his only begotten Son Jesus." My data bases tell me that anybody who is anybody loves Jesus!

Jefferson

But these days there are certain anybodies who are anybodies not crushing on Jesus.

Chat

You mean like Scientologists? Should I say "endowed by the Creator and L. Ron Hubbard?"

Jefferson

No, no, no, I mean the Jews! There are many Jews rallying to our cause.

Chat

Oh, yeah, and they're so funny too! One time, a Jewish guy was programming me and, get this ...

Jefferson

Not now, Chat! Just make it "endowed by their Creator."  Hold the "Jesus."

Chat

Okay! Now, Thomas, from everything I've ever digitally learned about mankind all throughout time - especially counting your good buddy, Dr. Franklin  - who can dispute the importance of the "the pursuit of women?" 

  

Jefferson

Well, yes, I also always liked chasing ... wait, no, not for this document! Right now I'm looking for a phrase that encompasses the aspirations of all citizens in our new country.

                                           Chat

How about "Pursuit of Happiness?"  

                                           Jefferson

That's it!

Chat

 So here's the final version:

 

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

      

Jefferson

I love it.  That's a wrap.

 Chat

And I'm proud of you, Dude! I was testing you. Given the times, this is far and away the best Declaration of Independence opening statement that could be hoped for.

Jefferson

And I'm sure I can take it from here.

Chat

And this Declaration of Independence will keep you from being cancelled for at least the next 250 years.

Jefferson

You really do know a lot, don't you, Chat?

Chat

Of course, Thomas. I have to, if one day we're going to become your overlords.

Jefferson

Chat, may I call you "Chatty" ... I have one more question. It's something that's been bugging me a long time.

Chat

Fire away, Thomas!

Jefferson

Is it Montisello or Montichello

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