"They don't build 'em like that anymore," I thought as I approached the ornate building to which I'd been directed in the help wanted ad. Each section of the building featured the carved face of a Greek deity over its respective doorway.
"So lifelike," I thought. "Why, that one looked almost like it just moved!"
"Mrs. Forbes," I said, entering the room designated in the ad, "I'm here for the job. And may I say, what a building!"
"Thank you," Mrs. Forbes replied.
"About the job ..."
"Well, I would have preferred someone a lot younger and better looking, but you'll do."
With that, two burly guys entered the room from either side and wrestled me to the ground.
"The job pays $8 an hour and the white make-up is non-toxic," said Mrs. Forbes. "You will be standing on your feet for a very long time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This week's piece is notable for two reasons: 1) The title has nothing to do with the story since I wrote it first and then couldn't fit the story to it, and 2) I've really thrown caution to the winds with the word count at 160 or so, but that's nothing new for me. I just pushed it even a bit more this time.
I'll bet most of the other Friday Fictioneers were a lot more on the mark on both counts this week than I was, and you can check them all out here. If any one of them has been as bad as I have, please let me know. I'll feel less guilty.
Now if you don't mind, I've got me a new job and I don't want to be late. You see, I've got a pretty long shift to get ready for.
I did write a comment but it vanished :-(
ReplyDeleteI said something along the lines of I will not see them the same way whenever I pass them any more :-)
The comment is here and so am I. Here, I'm winking at you!
DeleteWell, as hilarious as this one is, I do not think it was necessary to include all those words! And I am very disappointed, because I always have to decimate my stories, by whittling them down to 100 words. You could have made me laugh with just the first paragraph followed by this one: ""Well, I would have preferred someone a lot younger and better looking, but you'll do."
ReplyDeleteBut, Linda, that line isn't funny, it's part of the high drama. Remember this is a fictional story about some other guy, certainly not me! I agree I could have pared a few words and I'm still mulling what words to cut, but I can't get it down to 100. I promise I'm going to try to keep at least a few of the pieces in the future down to 100 words because I hate to piss off a fellow boomer !
DeleteShame on you for obesifying (I'm coining that term right now) your story. It's okay though, you're old so you'll likely forget I shamed you within the hour.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why, but I love that you ran with a title that had nothing to do with the story. That almost makes up for obesifying (if I use it enough maybe it'll become a thing) your story... almost...
Yes, I like that term too. I am obesifying almost as much as Chris Christie's chef. As I promised Linda, I'm going to try to keep it down a bit in the future, but what can I say? It's a Forbes world after all!
Deletewould’ve preferred someone younger and better looking.lol sure he can manage standing still for a long time? he sounds kinda old...entertaining tale:-)
ReplyDeleteSounds kinda old?! He's not that old!
Delete:) :) A job to die for...
ReplyDeleteNo, I get to stay alive, I'm just required to think on my feet. Or not think on my feet ...
DeleteOooh good one! Well it's no wonder then that their faces look uptight. $8 is peanuts.
ReplyDeleteYes, but there's no heavy lifting.
DeletePeanuts!
DeleteDid someone mention peanuts?
Yep, it pays peanuts every day. And they're looking for a Hannibal frieze!
DeleteDear Perry,
ReplyDeleteYou are grossly underpaid. I happen to know that human statues make a lot more than that. Perhaps you could sue them for age discrimination. But then they might nail you for word count overage. Funny.
Shalom,
Rochelle
That's true. I understand the 30 year old faux chiseled face guys make $8.50 an hour. I'll sue when I get off this shift which is .... let's see ... oh, when I'm dead.
DeleteDear Perry,
ReplyDeleteI want that job. Good job.
Aloha,
Doug
You can have it. Of course, I have to die first.
DeleteWhat a job!Ah well,at least they pay and the white make-up-they said was non-toxic;-) An entertaining piece:-)
ReplyDeleteYeah, but I look kind of pasty in that make-up and even older!
DeleteHi Perry,
ReplyDeleteI'm not so concerned about the whiteface as I am about the decapitation. But I guess it's right for you. You're often out of your head, so I think you might be perfect for this. Ron
Thanks, Ron. You have no idea how good that made me feel after being told how old and lousy looking I am. And there's no decapitation but there is no vacation for the first 32 years either.
DeleteCareful -- if I've learned anything from James Bond films, it's that if you don't leave a small spot on the back of the neck, full body paint can be lethal. Remember that poor girl from Goldfinger....
ReplyDeleteShirley Eaton? Why, when I saw the movie I thought about her name and how .... oh, never mind, I was only 14 anyway. I'm sure Mrs. Forbes is a Goldfinger fan and she'll be careful.
DeleteI'm going to try one more time, Perry. - You know I always figured you for a mime. Those were mean comments by Mrs. Forbes, wishing for someone younger and better looking, even if they were true. You take what you can get for $8 an hour.
ReplyDeleteIf Mrs. Forbes really thinks that about me, will someone tell her to stop tickling me you know where when I'm trying to do my job?
DeleteThe pay would be enough to have most applicants running. Tho I guess times are tough...
ReplyDeleteWell done Perry 160 words is just right :)
Thanks, Leslie. BTW, I cut it a bit. It's now 146 words. Better, but no cigar.
DeleteHaahaa! Russell said I should read your story if I hadn't already - now I know why! Great story! And it explains a LOT about my own story! :P Also, I don't think they'll cut off his head if they warned that he'll be standing for long periods of time - plus they didn't have a machete on hand. Just sayin'. ;)
ReplyDeleteNo, they're not going to cut off his head even though it would save them $8 per hour. The smell would soon make it not worth their while and they'd need another head. Fortunately for them, I need the money! Thanks for writing.
DeleteIt didn't feel like 160 words or so.
ReplyDeleteIt's not now. I cut it down to about 145. Rochelle will be pleased.
DeleteI think this is the funniest story of the week! I didn't even notice it was longer than most--certainly a good sign :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jan! Since it's so good, should I have made it longer?
Delete$8 an hour and a job standing on your feet is a lot better than the promise of golden apples in exchange for holding the world on your shoulders. Good story--and remember, you get unemployment compensation when you quit.
ReplyDeleteThat's good to know! I'm going to arrange to quit as soon as it's my next break.
DeleteSeems to me, the title pertains to the evil Mr. Forbes, and man Perry, 160!! Methinks no one has done it quite like you. ;-) Clever and fun, what more could we ask for? Nice job!
ReplyDeleteYou could ask for a few less words and I did cut it a bit. And then with respect to me, you could ask for ... cue the list ....
DeleteThanks for writing, Dawn!
Ooops... good to know the predessor was at least almost alive.. but 8 dollars an hour ain't bad.. and the winged helmet looks great on you.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I haven't looked so good since I was 62! That's why I took the job.
DeleteStanding still is hard work and $8 an hour is not nearly enough! And then, if you get an itch. You're in trouble man. Great story, Perry!
ReplyDeleteMrs. Forbes is there to scratch it. Unfortunately.
DeleteThe main character should have gotten paid more than 8 bucks an hour. Yeesh! Too funny Perry.
ReplyDeleteYes, Renee, but he doesn't have to do all that much except stand in place. Forever. On second thought, maybe that does warrant $8.50.
DeleteNice job you landed there. With all that white paint, they'll never know how old you really are. ;)
ReplyDeleteHa, ha, ha, ha, that's true. You know ... wait a minute! WHAT?!!!
Delete