Biggest Douche on Earth?

Dr. Lewitzky (center front) and his team;

Have they discovered the biggest douche on Earth?

News Item --- If you live long enough, you'll find out something that stops you in your tracks, curls your hair (even if you don't have any), and makes you question your sanity.  Such was the case this past week when a team of researchers from the University of Havertown PA discovered a blogger living just outside Philadelphia who has earned no renown whatsoever, not made millions of dollars,  and barely even gotten any women!

"The discovery of  the dismally unpopular blog Perry Block- Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and its author Perry Block ranks with that of the first cave paintings found in France," said Dr. Lance Lewitsky, head of the research team in presenting his findings last Thursday in Las Vegas before the annual convention of the International Association of Bloggers with Castles in Spain. 

"The only three things thought to be certain in this world were death, taxes, and fame and riches for blog writers," continued Dr. Lewitsky.  "The existence of Perry Block throws that all out the window!" 

Studies have repeatedly shown that bloggers become famous and earn millions of dollars within the first six months of starting a blog. The only exception  prior to the discovery of the woeful Mr. Block is that of  Myrtle Crosshair of Sibly, North Dakota who began a blog in early 2011 dedicated to her love of belly button lint and by year's end had earned only about $600,000 and appeared multiple times only on Leno!   However, that was largely because Letterman and Kimmel hadn't yet gone to the popular "All Blogger" guest format commonplace on most TV talk shows these days. 

"But this Perry Block guy," reiterated Dr. Lewitsky, "has been writing a humor blog for almost four years and has virtually no readers, hasn't made a dime, and has only nailed six or seven women based on the blog, only three of which could be reasonably described as smoking hot!" 

Professor Lewitsky contends that  Mr. Block may be the biggest douche living on the planet. Ironically, fame may yet come to Mr. Block as a TV movie ridiculing him is said to be in the works, and the difficult search is on for an untalented and goofy-looking actor to play the loser.   

For his part,  Mr. Block could  not be reached for  comment and is said to be in seclusion. And who could blame him?

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Xponentially Upset!

X marks the spot in Philadelphia, the spot on the radio dial for one of the best and most recognized Adult Alternative stations in the country, Philly's own WXPN.  And X also marks the spot on the Camden Waterfront across from Philadelphia where XPN stages its annual three-day summer concert of emerging and well-established musical groups called the Xponential Music Festival.

What's especially cool about the Xponential Festival is that it brings together music fans of all ages, from teenagers like my son Brandon to paunchy tee-shirted bald-headed oft pony-tailed guys just like ... I mean ... way older than me!

"Hey, Bran," I said a couple of Fridays ago when we attended Night One of  the festival, "look at the diversity of ages here!"

"It's true, Dad," said Brandon. "At lots of concerts I attend everybody's young, but you must feel very comfortable here."

"Whaddya mean?!!  I fit right in with the young people!  Just pointing out the geezers here who'd no doubt be more at home sippin' tea,  doin' crossword puzzles, and listening to Donovan!"

"Sure, Dad.  Let's sit."

To see all the acts at the Xponential Festival you move back and forth between two alternating stages, the River Stage and the Marina Stage, and between the two we caught a variety of very good groups the likes of  The Districts, Kat Edmonson, Michael Kiwanuka, and Red Baraat, although I was a little irritated by the Red Baraat lead singer's continual exhortations to "throw your hands up in the air!"

"Look at all the oldsters here with their hands in the air!" I remarked to Brandon. "So suggestible at their age."

"Yeah, but Dad ..."

 "These alter cockers would stick their hands up their ass if he told them to!"

"But, Dad, your hands are up in the air too."

"Well ... he is awfully insistent, isn't he?" 

Many of us stood during the set of the final and most well known group, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, who played for nearly two hours. Meanwhile I developed a tiny ache in my back which made me want to sit out for just a wee minute or two.

"Oh my god, Bran, I'm dying and they haven't even gotten to Home yet!"

So I strolled over to the river's edge and settled comfortably on the grass when along came a mature mama with jeans skirt, gray hair down her back, and wrinkles upon wrinkles which bespoke "Yes, Perry, I was  studying the Classics at Antioch when you were busily flunking algebra and getting beaten up in junior high."

"Are you okay, friend?"  she asked.

"Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"Because your face is green,  your back arched like the McDonald's logo, and you collapsed to the ground with a thud so audible it could be heard in Philadelphia."

"Don't worry about me, Granny!"  I thought.  "Go back to your cross stitch of David Crosby." 

"Glad you're okay.  A scene like this can be a little taxing for folks our age."

Folks our age?

"Gonna be 62!" she said walking away, with a smile . 

"62," she said.  "Gonna be 62," she had said.  So her exponent and mine were one and the same?  Now I was Xponentially upset!

"Dad, you coming back?" said Brandon, walking up to me.  

"Sure,  Bran.  Too bad Red Baraat isn't still on."

"Why's that?"

"Because now I really wanna throw my hands up in the air!"

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Tiny Dancer

She always reminded me of Tiny Dancer, a song I loved which Elton John wrote back in the day he was still regarded as a serious singer/songwriter. Every day she danced and twirled throughout the neighborhood in her short white skirt, enchanting us all with her energy, talent, and infectious good nature.

I longed so to talk to her, but about what I had no idea. One day I took a deep breath and took a chance.

"I love your dancing," I said. "You remind me of the song Tiny Dancer."

"Amazing," she replied, "because it was Tiny Dancer that inspired me!"

"Gee! But nowadays  ..."

"Course that was before Elton John trashed his talent to become a pop star."

Ever since, Tiny Dancer and I have been inseparable!

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess there's worse bases upon which to build a relationship than a dislike of Elton John, so pick out an artist or group you hate (ABBA's taken, rest assured!) and give it a shot. That's what I did this week for the Friday Fictioneers, dancing and twirling my way in at 26 words above the Fictioneer 100 word guideline in my entry above based upon the similarly above  picture prompt.

I like "old" Elton John, which is actually the "young" Elton John, and am less than enamored of the Johnny-Come-Lately Johns. Whether you like any, all, or none of the Johns, you'll like the entries of the other Fictioneers, all pop stars in their own right and in a good sense, which you'll find by clicking here.

Well, folks, off to count the headlights on the highway!   And maybe some day to even find myself a Tiny Dancer of my own.

Jewnado!

Jewnado!

The Sequel. Too much said.

As the film begins, the voice of a TV weathercaster is heard as we see multiple waterspouts whirling  and swirling in the skies over Los Angeles.

Weather caster:  For the second time in recent weeks a freak storm has struck LA bringing torrents of rainfall, the formation of tornado like waterspouts bearing menacing creatures swept up within them, and multiple break-in special reports by hot weather babes like myself.  More reports later after I put on a tighter blouse!

Our standard issue protagonists are seen standing in a devastated downtown LA.  They have names like April, Fin, Nova, Baz, Matt, and Claudia. Want to know more about them?  No offense, but I think you need a life!

Fin:  I never would have believed it!  Weeks ago we survived Sharknado and became a surprise ratings hit. Now it's happening all over again!

Baz:  How did they whip together a sequel this fast?

Fin: Don't knock it.  Most of us wouldn't have careers except for this! 

Nova:  A huge waterspout is approaching!

Matt:  Something's in it!  A creature!  A menacing creature!!

April: It must be a killer shark!  It's Sharknado all over again!

Claudia: It’s upon us, there’s no escape!!!

Menacing Creature: Hi, I’m Carlos Danger.  Want to see a picture of my crotch?

All:  AHHHHHH!!!!

Fin: Why, this isn’t  Sharknado!  What kind of storm is this?!

Anthony Weiner:  Hey, you hot young standard issue women!  Want to talk dirty with the next mayor of New York?

April: But, Mr. Weiner, I thought you said this behavior was behind you!

Anthony Weiner: What I meant was the behavior involves my front and my behind!  Or my tuchas,  as our people call it.

All:  AHHHHHH!!!!

Nova: Is there no way to stop it?

Fin: Whatever you do, girls, don’t tweet back!   Just don't tweet back!

Anthony Weiner is neutered by the lack of response!  I mean neutralized!  All breathe a sigh of relief until .... 

Weathercaster:  We interrupt this broadcast with a further update now that I have tighter clothing on!  More waterspouts have been sighted throughout LA and swirling within them are Congressman Eric Cantor, actor Adam Sandler, and ... God forbid it lands near you... comedian Bob Saget!

Matt: Why this isn't Sharknado at all!  

April: No, it's ... it's ....

Fin:   Jewnado!

All: AHHHHHH!!!!

Claudia: If this is Jewnado, why couldn't the waterspouts have sucked up Jon Stewart, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or Robert Downey Jr?  After all, he's a JewBu!

Baz: Or Mila Kunis, Gwyneth Paltrow, or Natalie Portman?  They can swirl around at 90 miles per hour with me anytime!

Fin: Because Jewnado is a freak force of nature, without Jewish compassion, liberal ideals,  or sense of social justice!  And no finely tuned but slightly irreverent sense of humor either!  Here comes another waterspout!

April:  Is there a menacing creature aboard?!    

Nova: Is it talk show host Larry King?!

Matt: Or the late sportscaster Howard Cosell?!!

Nova: Or  ... God forbid it lands near us ...  comedian Bob Saget?!!! 

Fin:  No, look!   It's venerable character actor Abe Vigoda!   Why, he could never harm we standard issue characters! 

Matt: The storm must be subsiding!  

Fin: It is subsiding!   Here comes another waterspout; look, it's  venerable character actor Fyvush Finkel!  Ha, the worst is  indeed over!

Weathercaster: (talking directly to the standard issue cast) I wouldn't be so sure about that.  

Baz: Why?  

Weathercaster: The producers are talking another sequel, and it will be even worse!

April: What could be worse than Sharknado or Jewnado?

Weathercaster:  I kind of hate to tell you.  It may lower my ratings and make me less hot.

April: Tell us!  Please, we must know!

Weathercaster:   It's ... it's ... it's ....

Fin: Yes?  Yes?!

Weathercaster:  Kardashianado!


All:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

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