No Two Snowflakes Are Ever Alike? NOT!

                                                 

       

"Professor I'm here," called Maya Majoun.  "I came as soon as you called."

"Oh, Maya, I'm on to something big here," said Professor Kropotkin "and I wanted you to be the first to know."

Professor Kropotkin, eminent archaelogist and now expert medical researcher, was sitting in his laboratrory peering thoughtfully into his microsope. Maya Majoun, once his young protege and now Adjunct Professor of Archeology at nearby Block University, entered the lab.

"Maya, I have now disproved an old adage."

"Which is?"

"That no two snowflakes are ever alike! Take a look at these two through the microscope."

"OMG! They look almost exactly alike! Except the one on the left looks like it has some strange formation at the top."

"Yes, that because the one on the left is an evil double!  A doppleganger."

"Professor, that exists even in the snowflake world?"

"Yes, Maya, it does. And left unchecked the evil snowflake will take over life of the good snowflake."

"But, Professor, it's just a  snowflake. What can it possibly do to the good snowflake?"

"Why, it can steal the good snowflake's life savings and have sex with the good snowflake's wife."

"But does a snowflake have a wife and money?"

"Well, I'm just surmising.  That's left to be discovered."

"Professor, in the time we worked together I know you to be a brilliant man.  But how do you know this is the evil doppleganger?"

"Take another look through the microscope, Maya."

"OMG! Professor! It's wearing a black hat!"

" Yes, Maya, and that means there's only one thing left to do!"

 "What, Professor Kropotkin?"

"Melt the mother-fucker!"

I defy you to tell the difference!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Visit With Michael, The Wise Old Soul Living In The Tree

 

                                

I was walking in my usually boring neighborhood of Havertown PA with my son's dog Bruno a week or so back when I came upon what looked like a wise old soul living at the base of a tree.

Do you see him too? He has a very broad mouth with a half-smile, his right eye bigger than the left and perhaps covered with an eye patch, and two outstretched arms almost entreating you to stop by and visit.

C'mon, dudes!  Where's your suspension of disbelief?

"Hello, kind sir,"I offered to the man in the tree. "Care for a visit from a friend?  I'm Perry."

"Of course I would," the man in the tree replied in a crusty but aimable voice that bespoke volumes. "My name is Michael." 

"Michael," I said, delighted that he did indeed speak as I'd hoped he would. "I bet you've seen a great deal over the years and you know much that you can impart to me and others."

"That's true, Perry. And I am indeed pleased to share with you the most important thing I've learned over hundreds of years of observation and study."

"Tell me, tell me!" I exclaimed exciteedly. "I want to learn from your wisdom. What ... what can you teach me?"

"The most important thing to know about life, Perry,"  Michael slowly intoned "is ..."

"Yes, yes, yes, Michael???"

"That Donald Trump is the greatest president in the history of our nation!"

"Excuse me?

"Every nation needs a brave, noble, and wise leader.  And we are blessed to have that leader, Donald J. Trump - a genius - a brilliant man motivated only by his love of country and humanity." 

"Are you sure this is the most important thing you have to tell us?"

"Absolutely."

"Well, thanks ... umm ... gotta go.  Bruno has an ... uh ... appointment with his parole officer."

"And that blondie Karoline Leavitt is quite a fox too!"

"I guess you would like someone who's wooden," I thought.

"Bruno," I whispered, "before we go, if you could ... pee on him?"

"Oooh, wet!" exclaimed Michael.

"Bye, Michael," I said. "Don't get up."

I walked several blocks and came upon a group of people who were pruning trees in the area with a nearby truck labeled "Matthew Domer, Arborist."

I went up to one of them and said "Excuse me, but a few blocks away on Hawthorne Street is an old tree with a trunk that reesembles a wisened elfin old man."

"Yes?"

"Woodman, don't spare that tree!''

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Perry's Liberal Ideological Purity Test

 

Take a deep breath. Ready? Begin!

1) How far to the left are you?

a) Center Left.

b) Left Leaning.

c) Way Left, Dudes!

d) Me and Bernie Sanders are practically engaged.

 

2) Do you watch CBS?

a) Yes, because I’m an aging Boomer and I do like Elspeth and Matlock.

b) Yes, but only to hate watch Tony Dokoupil.

c) Yes, because after all, it is the network of Walter Cronkite, Mr. Ed, and Lassie!

d) No way! I’m only watching Colbert and when he’s gone, I’m gone!

 

3) What is your opinion of Jon Voight?

a) Well, the dude hasn’t aged well, that’s for sure.

b) I still like some of the older movies like Deliverance and Midnight Cowboy when he was young and good looking and not such a right-wing yutz.

c) Well, he is Angelina Jolie’s dad after all.

d) Special Envoy to Hollywood, my ass!

4) What would you like to do to Pete Hegseth?

a) I’d like to punch him in the nose.

b) I’d like to kick him in the nuts.

c) I’d like to punch him in the nose and kick him in the nuts.

d) I’d like to hide his tube of hair grease.

5) What is a proper and appropriate use for 200 billion dollars?

a) To help defray some of my therapy bills.

b) To finance the next Marvel or DC movie.

c) To prosecute a needless illegal and unconstitutional war.

d) To provide health care and child care for all Americans.

6) What’s the deal with Lindsey Graham?

a) He is so far up Trump’s ass he does pullups on Trump’s tonsils.

b) He only comes out from Trump’s ass long enough to look around to see if Trump’s still President such that if he’s not, he can say “oh, I never liked him!”

c) He tries so hard to hide the truth about himself, which is nothing to be ashamed of, when the only truth about himself he should be ashamed of is that he’s Lindsey Graham.

d) All of the above.

7) John Fetterman?

a) What happened to that guy?

b) Well, I guess you could say he’s a maverick, right?

c) Even still, I kinda dig the beard and the shorts.

d) Why would you even bring up that name to me???!!!

8) Don’t Watch Reruns of Fraser Even Though I Still Like the Show and Would Watch Them It If I Didn’t Hate Kelsy Grammar’s Politics So Damn Much.

a) I’m sorry, I’m weak.

b) But it is the best spinoff from an original series ever!

c) Still love them, sorry to say. Especially those with Eddie.

d) Agree.

9) Amazon Prime?

a) Don’t order stuff from them ever, but I do subscribe to the streaming service.

b) No ordering or streaming ever but it’s okay if I go to Whole Foods, right? I mean, where else are you gonna get decent kale?

c) God help me, I saw Melania and loved it!

d) No way, no how.

 

10) If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you most want to be stranded with?

a) AOC

b) Pete Buttigieg

c) Paul Krugman

d) Any Democrat would be great, but it’s a shame they’d be stuck on a desert island with the likes of me instead of out there saving our nation!

 

     11) Howard Lutnick:

     a) Looks like a Muppet.

     b) Probably is a Muppet.

12) If I am physically able, I will be participating in the No Kings Rally this Saturday.

a) You Betcha!

b) I’ll be there carrying a sign!

c) I’ll be bringing 2 or 3 friends!

d) Wild Horses Couldn’t Drag Me Away (from it).

SCORING

Score one point for every (d) answer except you receive an automatic one point for any answer to Numbers 4, 6, 11, and 12 as all answers to those are correct.

I know you might have thought any answer was correct to Number 10 but that is a trick question - I was looking to see if you care more about the country than about frolicking on the beach with your chosen liberal hero. For me that would have been frolicking with AOC <sigh> but unlike some of you, I am truly ideologically pure!

So, if you scored a perfect 12 you have passed. Congratulations!

Any score lower and you have failed Perry’s Liberal Ideological Purity Test. Immediately begin watching Lawrence O’Donnell every night for the next six months, take notes if you must, and then take Perry’s Liberal Ideological Purity Test again.

In the meantime, don’t even talk to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to the New CNN, "Certainly Not The News."

 

"Welcome to our viewers in the United States and around the World, this is CNN, now standing for 'Certainly Not the News.' I'm Wolf Blitzer and this is Pamela Brown and you're in the Situation Room."

"I'm sorry to have to correct you, Wolf, but my name has now been changed to Pamela Red for the Red States now that we've been acquired by the right-wing Paramount/Skydance."

"Ha, Ha, your new name Pamela Red sounds like the old song, Panama Red by the New Riders of the Purple Sage."

"Can the talk about old rock music, Wolf. Most of those bands were liberal."

"Oh! Okay, in the news today, President Donald J. Trump."

"President Donald J. Trump what, Wolf?"  

"President Donald J. Trump Everything Everywhere All At Once."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This is Inside Politics, I'm Dana Bash.  I now bash everything about Democrats and nothing about President Donald J. Trump." 

"I'm John King. Dana Bash and I were once married, I became Jewish, and we have a child together. But we both agree on loving Donald J. Trump."

"So true. And our son loves him too!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           

I'm Jake Tapper and this is The Lead. I want to lead all our viewers to the right path following President Donald J. Trump.  As much as I love the Eagles and the Phillies, I love President Trump even more.  And here's Jalen Hurts."

"What am I supposed to say, Jake?"

"That President Donald J.Trump is more important to you than the $255 million dollars you make as Eagles quarterback."

"What?!! I mean of course, President Donald J. Trump is ... .

"And Kasie Hunt, from Wayne Pa, feels the same way!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"People from opposing point of view aren't talking to each other, but here they do. Except there are no opposing points of view anymore. I'm Abby Philip.

And from now on, my show is  being handed over to the ever smarmy Scott Jennings. 

So, everyone, if you want to hear news with a bias but a good bias, you've got to turn to  MS NOW.

Right, Rachel?"

"Right you are, Abby."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Which I Take The Colbert Questionnaire, Not That Anyone Ever Asked Me To

 

1. What’s the best sandwich? 

A Corned Beef Special – heaps of Corned Beef, Cole Slaw, and Russian Dressing - provided the corned beef is the kind that clogs your arteries. With a boatload of wash ‘n dries to clean me up afterwards.

                                        

2. What’s one thing you own that you really should throw out? 

My copy of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.  It didn’t work.

3. What is the scariest animal? 

Spiders. Thank God they have never learned to enrich uranium!

4. Apples or oranges? 

Oranges.  They’re sweet, juicy, and delicious. Apples get stuck in my throat. But on Halloween, I gotta go with apples, you can’t bob for oranges!

5. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph? 

Yes, but I’m only brave enough to ask D Listers. 

6. What do you think happens when we die? 

We go into a lovely place where Hallmark Movies are continually playing. Each movie has a different cast but every movie is about young people with great hair falling in love. It’s fine but quite frankly after 50 billion years it does get a bit tedious.

7. Favorite action movie?

Debbie Does… oh, not that kind of action?  In that case …

8. Favorite smell?

Hmmm ... Come closer!

9. Least favorite smell?

Cheese.  But you knew that.

 10. Exercise: worth it?

 You know, I’m been meaning to try that one of these days.

11. Dogs or Cats? 

Dogs.  (But in case any cats are reading this, I’m just being transactional.  You’re my guys too!)

12. Window or Aisle?

Window, unless I’m in that Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner.

13. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?

Deacon Blues.  I love me my Steely Dan.  But they want a name when they lose?  Hell, I’ve got a half dozen of those names already!

14. What number am I thinking of?

 27.  No?  Ahh fuck!!!   

15. Describe the rest of your life in 5 words.

 You got a better idea?

And thank you, Stephen Colbert, for standing up for those better ideas for all of us.

You will be missed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

When Irish Eyes Are Whining

 

(In honor of St. Patrick's Day I am here reprinting a story from long ago and far away about a time even longer ago and further away.  This story has the unique distinction among most everything else I write of being almost 100% true!  

That is, no vampires, I don't control the media, and - I'm sorry to say - I don't really know Batman.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

There once were two fellas said "Aw, Shucks!

On the Emerald Isle bet we'll find luck."

They made many a pass

At many a fine lass

To which many a fine lass said "Hell, No, Schmucks!"  

****

The luck of the Irish, I believe, is truly a real and wonderful thing. It begins with how lucky the Irish are to hale from a place of  such uncommon beauty as the Emerald Isle, a lush green plot of land I was lucky enough to visit over 50 years ago with my college friend Howie.

Howie and I traveled throughout much of Ireland that one summer, spending time in towns and villages like Dublin, Galway, Cork --- where I kissed the legendary Blarney Stone which frankly provided me with more of a response than most of the women I met (then or since).

No part of our trip was more memorable, however, than what has been come to be called the: 

"Night of 1,000 Brews  and Two Discordant Jews."

It had been a long day of hiking and hitch-hiking as Howie and I came upon a pub on the outskirts of a small village, the name of which posterity has never quite finished yelling at me for forgetting. As darkness settled around us, we heard the sounds of those in the pub  loudly, lustily, and very beautifully singing an array of Irish tunes to some musical accompaniment. It seemed like it might be a kind of special night or at least a special weekly occasion for the local residents at the pub.

"Americans?" said the pub keeper as he served us two beers we ordered.  "Welcome, lads, we're delighted you're here!"

From all corners of the pub, folks came forward to greet us, pat us on the back, and make us feel welcome. And beers, lagers, stouts, and all manners of alcoholic brew came flying at us from every direction --- left, right, below, and above!  ABOVE? 

Well, I don't know if Jesus is real, but if he is and he does intervene in the affairs of the world, where else would he start but Ireland?  We couldn't have felt more at home if we were at a convention of Jewish grandmothers and it had just been announced that we'd both gotten into Harvard Medical School.

Then, in the midst of that Emerald enclave of Gaelic gaiety and Hibernian hospitality, there came those ten awful words I'll never forget from that evening in the pub by the village whose name I have woefully ever forgot:

"Now, we'll have a song from the two foine lads!"

Now I happen to be a person who cannot sing a note; frankly I couldn't lift a tune, let alone carry one.  And compared to Howie,  I was Celtic Women.  As the two of us would hike along the roadways in Ireland and chance to lift our voices in song, shamrocks would wilt, fertile fields fall fallow,  and leprechauns see fit to commit suicide.

"What do we do now, Howie?!"  I cried.

A fan of the actor John Wayne, Howie thought that because Mr. Wayne starred in the filmed-in-Ireland movie The Quiet Man,  a song from another of the so-called Duke's movies might find favor.  Such was the measure of our desperation.  As a broadly grinning gent led us up to the microphone, Howie hastily scribbled out the words to She Wore a Yellow Ribbon from the movie of the same name. 

"Here's the lads!" the gentleman exulted.

I looked at Howie, and he looked back at me.  We took a deep breath and gave forth: 

"And in her hair, she wore a yellow ribbon ...."

Under the sounds of our execrable discordant non-harmonizing. I sensed murmurings of ...

"Sweet Jesus, I thought everyone could sing at least some!"

"Scratch visiting America off our lists ..."

"Is is possible to get some of these beers back?"

We concluded orally raping the Duke, John Ford, and their famed cinematic collaboration, and I breathed a sigh of relief.  I looked at Howie, and he looked back at me. 

"One more time!" he shouted.

One could actually hear Irish eyes whining. 

As I've said before, the luck of the Irish truly is a real and wonderful thing.  Sadly, for the folks this one night over 50 years ago in one pub on the outskirts of a village in Ireland whose name posterity still yells at me for forgetting, it had just run out. 

*****

As hospitable as you can get, sir,

In the pub they kept Perry's lips wet, sir

Beers flew at him fast

Which he drank to the last

And Perry is still peeing yet, sir! 

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Everyone!

~~~~~~~~~~~

You never forget your first stone!

(Reprinted from March 13, 2013.)