Having decided of
late to do a self-published humor book, I thought I might need some marketing
muscle to get the book off the ground. I realized that my marketing muscle
was the equivalent of that of a 98 pound weakling, and I didn’t need to get
sand kicked in my face along with not selling any books.
`
So I went on Craig’s
List and found a guy who called himself a Director of Communications who was
just out a job, and he shot over for an interview.
“Perry Block, it’s great to
meet you, call me Mooch!”
he exclaimed.
“Mush?”
“No, Mooch! I love you and I wish you well, and I hope you go on to make a tremendous amount
of money.”
He was a really
lively little guy dancing around as if he had to take a
wicked pee and hadn’t been informed by anyone that bathrooms had been invented.
“Well, Mooch, that’s
very nice that you love me, but can you help me with promoting a book?"
“Can I promote your book? You’ll
be No. 1 on the New York Times Best Seller List quicker than I usually get fired at any of the jobs I've had. Here's what I’m going to say about
you:
“I’ve seen this guy
throw a dead spiral through a tire. I’ve seen him at Madison Square Garden with
a topcoat on. He’s standing in the key and he’s hitting foul shots and swishing
them, OK? He sinks 3-foot putts.”
“But that’s not true,
Mooch. Next thing you’ll tell them I
have a three foot putz!”
“No, not exactly. But I am going to tell them you can suck your own cock.”
“That’s disgusting! Besides, only Ron Jeremy can do that.”
“I know. I worked
for him too.”
“Look, Mooch, what it is you can do for me?”
“I can love you! Also I can fire all
the leakers.”
“But I don’t have any leakers! What would they leak about, that
I’m doing my laundry and I put in too much bleach?”
“Too much bleach?
Shows poor judgment! I’ll cock-block
these leakers for you the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months ... and he’s
me.’”
“I’m sorry, Mooch, I
have a feeling this isn’t going to work out.”
“Oh, no, please I
need this job! My wife just had a baby!”
“Oh, I see, well, in
that case …”
“And the baby’s
already got a big job at Goldman Sachs! I have to keep up!”
So I hired
Mooch and it’s been three weeks now, the longest he's ever been at any job. I don't know how much longer he'll last, but one thing is abundantly clear.
He loves me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too much bleach? How else are you going to get those stains out of your shorts. I'm sure that's what Mooch meant when he was talking about "leakers." Perhaps I should ship you a box of Depends and a t-shirt that reads, I taught Ron Jeremy everything he knows.
ReplyDeleteI taught both the Mooch and Ron Jeremy everything they know. Mooch about being soft-spoken and Ron Jeremy about contending with a small penis. Everything they know about those things they know from MOI!
ReplyDelete