Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Don't Call Me "CCHHHemosabe!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto in Better Days
 It’s come as welcome news to many of us that a new movie is on its way about the  legendary hero, The Lone Ranger!  Those of us who go back to the 1950’s are delighted to see the Masked Man we loved on the small screen brought back to life upon the silver screen in a new big budget motion picture, starring Johnny Depp.

 Remember that thrilling opening to the TV show, Boomers?

“A fiery horse at the speed of light, a cloud of dust, and a hearty Hi-ho Silver!!!  The Lone Ranger!

 Except that’s not what you’re going to hear in the movie.

  It seems that the Lone Ranger's long-time Faithful Friend Tonto walked off the set in mid-production and is now rumored to be dating Cher.  This required the Masked Man to hastily begin interviews for a new and untested sidekick.  

 Then the bombshell:  The Ranger was refusing to interview anyone who wasn’t wearing feathers! 

  A quick intervention by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)  and the Masked Man agreed to embrace diversity and reach out to white guys.  After a grueling round of interviews, the Lone Ranger at last made his choice for a brand new Faithful Friend.  That’s why when the new film opens, it will open with:

 "A fiery horse at the speed of light, a cloud of dust, and by his side Hyman Silvers!!!  The Lone Ranger!"  

  Mr. Hyman Silvers, an accountant from Brooklyn NY,  was the Ranger's selection.  Mr. Silvers had done well in the personal interview, causing the Ranger to laugh several times at the use of the word bupkis and answering the question "where do you hope to be in five years?" with "buried deep within the arms of a shikseh, Mr. Ranger, hopefully even sooner!" 

 Unfortunately Mr. Silvers fared somewhat less well on operating a six shooter, lassoing stuff, and tracking outlaws on Passover when weak from matzoh consumption. However,  the concept of a Jewish accountant as the new Faithful Friend had a certain appeal for the Masked Man who does, after all, have a silver mine to manage.

 To be sure, there were some problems at the start.  Along the trail, the Ranger's new Faithful Friend needed to stop for frequent rest breaks during which he'd opine in an oddly high-pitched voice that “there's no Starbucks, and the urinals are made of cactus!"  And the Masked Man had to constantly explain to Hyman Silvers that he was to be called chemosabe, not CCHHHemosabe!

  Hyman Silvers proved not to be handy around a campfire either.  When the  Ranger asked him to help him make camp, Hyman Silvers replied "I can't really help you make camp, CHHHemosabe, but I'll be glad to help you make reservations." When told to rub two sticks together vigorously,  Hyman Silvers kind of misinterpreted, and reported the Ranger to the authorities.

 In a gunfight, Mr. Silvers proved to be equally inept.  Ambushed by the Butch Cavendish Gang,  the Ranger went to make a run for it and called out “Faithful Friend, cover me!” Hyman Silvers reached into his wallet and handed the Ranger 15 bucks.

  Gradually, however, with training,  perseverance, and the most outstanding special effects Disney/Pixar could muster,  Hyman Silvers developed into a worthy faithful Friend, trusted and appreciated by the Lone Ranger himself.  As the Ranger recently said “My new Faithful Friend has introduced me to some delicious grub called herring, and he knows so many great jokes about guys in the garment district named Ginsberg!”

“Plus most importantly, he came up with idea of my not wearing this idiotic mask anymore!   I don’t have a secret identity to conceal, and this mask does nothing but get people shooting at me all the time thinking I’m an outlaw!”

 “That mask is totally farcacta, Lone!” added the Ranger’s new Faithful Friend Hyman Silvers.

“That’s right, Hyman,” agreed the Lone Ranger. “Now get the hell out of here and make camp, you schlemiel!"  


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